I took a break from writing AIOTM 6 to go out for a pizza and a movie. I've always enjoyed John Cusack's arty work in films like "Being John Malkovich" so the obvious choice was his latest flick "2012". Surely I would learn a lot about the human condition.

It's all right, I knew it was a stupid, end-of-the-world blockbuster, but such films have their place as well and I hoped it might be enjoyable.

It wasn't really.

It was just stupid.

John Cusack's character must be the luckiest man alive, as his escape from every predicament came at the literal last moment time and time again, planes taking off just as runways crumbled and on two occasions in two different planes, just squeezing into a plane-shaped jigsaw piece gap between two falling buildings. If that was not enough as his plane ran out of fuel some hundreds of miles from his destination, the plates of the earth conveniently shifted so he came down almost exactly where he needed to be. There is little to no point in criticising such a resolutely fantastical film, but when someone is so lucky they are magic it rather makes you as an audience member lose the will to live. So I am sure that no one was fooled when it seemed that John Cusack's return to unblock the clogged gate of Ark 4 was a suicide mission. Of course he was going to make it. Just as of course his ex-wife's blameless husband would die, leaving the way open for John and of course his skanky ho of a wife would be kissing John within seconds of the death of her actual lover, with little to no grief on display. And of course the dog and the kids would escape unharmed as well. Never mind the few billion others who had perished. As long as the dog was OK we can all sleep safe in our beds.

For a film with so much spectacle it was spectacularly boring and for a film about the death of the vast majority of living creatures it was stupidly upbeat. As they all headed for Africa in their arks at the end and humanity seemed saved and the camera pulled back to see our whole world it would have been much more satisfying if we then saw a huge meteor heading for Earth. Because if you're going to destroy the world, why not destroy the whole thing. Except for one small dog. Then spend the next three hours following the lonely last living creature on the planet around as it whimpered and howled.

Now that would be a film.

Do not go and see this.

I hope John Cusack enjoys the money.

Buy Collings and Herrin T-shirts here and AIOTM T shirts here.

For details of the Hitler Moustache tour click here and you can book tickets here for The Lyric Comedy Nights

[ Email this edition of Warming Up to a friend ]