We went on a 3 hour boat trip around the Isle of Manhattan. Smoke on your pipe and put that in.

It was, if anything, a little bit too long. All the exciting stuff like the skyscrapers, the abscence of the World Trade Centre and the Statue of Liberty was taken in in the first hour and a half, but once the trip was up to Harlem on the East (I think) side of the island there was little to see and still a long way til home.

Evenso the tour guide did a good job of trying to keep things interesting. It's a tough gig talking almost continuously for all that time and though his knowledge of the place was immense and his editorialising sermons about how crap the city councillors were and how shameful it was that the World Trade Centre remained a building site was fun, it was difficult for him to find much to talk about after we'd got to the surprisingly lush and green north of the island. I enjoyed one bit where he was discussing whether Manhattan's refuse should be burned. He argued that it shouild be and then said, "Of course the counter argument is 'No, it shouldn't', but the counter-counter argument is 'Yes it should!'" Genius.

But on the way back as we began to see buildings again I found out a fact that sorted out something that had bothered me. I had wondered in 9/11 how the fireman had hoped to get water from their hoses all the way up that building. Did they have hoses that were miles long? No of course they didn't. Every building over a certain height in New York has a bit water tank on the roof (in modern buildings it's generally hidden, but the old buildings we were passing had the tanks clearly visible) and then the fireman can attach their hoses at access points on each floor. Obvious really I suppose, but I hadn't considered it.

At about 9pm we went up the Empire State Building (we were now off the boat in case you are as dumb as I am), which I have done before, but never in the dark. I was glad to have experienced the city at night and everything made a lot more sense given we'd seen it from the river just hours before. Plus we got a Tony Soprano style character telling us all about what we were looking at on an impressive audio tour. This was on the 86th floor observatory. Foolishly I thought it would be worth $15 each to go right to the top and the 102nd floor, but it isn't really (though interestingly originally the builders had intended for blimps to be able to park and deposit passengers up here, before they realised the winds were too strong). Unlike the memorial to the World Trade Centre, the Empire State building was constructed in just 13 months and the audio guide claimed they'd managed to do a whole floor in one day. Come on New York. Pull your finger out.

It was almost worth going up to the top though to meet the old fella operating the rickety old lift. He must have been at least in his 70s and was enthusiastic with his shouting "All aboard" and "Welcome to New York". He encouraged us (on both up and down journeys) to buy a daily ticket to the subway which was only $8. Was he being sponsored or was he just being helpful. Probably the latter. He was though a real character. As we got in the lift it started descending. He allowed us to notice this and then said, "Oh you want to go UP!?" before reversing. Does he do this joke a hundred times a day? If so it's even funnier.

Another old guide at the top got impatient as a queue developed waiting for the lift to return. "Where are you Chancey?" he pleaded (Chancey was not the actual name, which I have forgotten, but it seems right). "He's got two speeds that guy. Slow and stop."

One felt that all these lines were well rehearsed and that these ancient old men performed this fractured double act many times a day. But if didn't make it any less enjoyable.

It's all that makes the journey to the 102nd floor worthwhile.

And visting at night also means you don't have to put up with too many queues, though of course you're mainly looking at the lights of New York, twinkling below you like a starscape.

Buy Collings and Herrin T-shirts here and AIOTM T shirts here.

For details of the Hitler Moustache tour click here and you can book tickets here for The Lyric Comedy Nights

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