Dr Ruth (probably not the same one) has suggested on the guest book the alternative second line of "I see them popping up like scabies", which does at least rhyme, though maybe isn't quite as pleasant an image as daisies. Though I am coming to the belief that babies are a disease, at least from the planet Earth's point of view, so although that would change the frivolous nature of the song, it might make it better. It could become a lament from the toothy Christian, about how her natural maternal instincts to reproduce are in danger of destroying the world. Although claiming that was as serious as rabies would be slightly underestimating the impact the human race are having on the planet. Which is actually much more serious than rabies, comparatively quite a minor problem.

But it is interesting to me that the only words in the world that actually rhyme with babies are rabies and scabies (I don't really thing we can count maybies as a real word). Doesn't it tell you something when the word we use to describe supposedly the most wonderful things on the planet is so similar to the words for two unpleasant maladies? I think that must come from a subconscious realisation that for all our protestations to the contrary babies are an unpleasant scourge that no-one actually likes.

Of course that theorum would seem to be disproved by the apparent proudness and happiness of all parents, who send out photos of their resource consuming and environment destroying whelps to everyone they vaguely know, but I am not convinced by their pretence. Of course people have to pretend to love their children and be happy that they exist, but their pronouncements of joy seem over the top, almost like they are trying to convince themselves as much as anyone else. And what kind of a person would be prepared to come out and say "Actually I don't like my baby: it's annoying and smelly and keeps waking me up and shitting itself and it can't do anything at all, the twat!"? Society would ostracise such a person, because tradition dictates that babies are a source of happiness. But what if everyone was just pretending? What if everyone thought they were the only one who actually quite disliked this new interloper, who demands so much and contributes so little, so were afraid to say "Actually I don't really like this tiny idiot. Can I put it back where it came from?"?

Certainly all the new parents I have seen are expressing the fact that they are over the moon and that this is the best thing that has ever happened to them, but they say this with pale faces and huge bags under their eyes and a kind of forced smile. Who are they trying to convince? And are they just both saying that because their partner is saying it too and they don't want to upset them - unaware that they both actually dislike the spawn that their filthy night time fumblings have brought into the world?

Of course I suspect the parents among you will email me to say that of course you love your children and that I can't understand what it's like until I have them myself, but then I will only conclude that you are buying into the whole lie. Ashamed of your feelings of disdain for your own kids, you will insist that you love them. But do you really? Or are they really just an inconvenience?

And if not, why does babies only rhyme with scabies and rabies? You know why. If you dare admit it to yourself. So join me in my crusade and let's stop this influx of illegal and unwanted immigrants, coming into our country and then scrounging off us. If nobody has babies ever again, then imagine the positive impact on the planet. Within 100 years, carbon emissions would be right down and I bet all the endangered species would thrive. The world would be a better place without these babies ruining everything.

In other news, the broadcast date of "You Can Choose Your Friends" has been changed again. It will now be going out on June 7th at 9pm. The executives who have made this decision are insistent that it is not a bad sign and that it's to do with giving the programme a chance to get a good audience as the April date was up against the very popular "New Tricks" on BBC1. Hopefully that is the case, although the decision made my heart sink a little bit, reminding me as it does of the way the BBC used to move "TMWRNJ" around, because they didn't actually like it. But "YCCYF" is just a one off for the moment and so it doesn't matter much when it is on. I don't think it will be moved again, so put that one in your diaries folks! June 7th. Almost certainly.

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