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Finished script 5, but didn’t make much progress on script 6. But you need a fallow day to frighten you into action. Still feels impossible that I will do it in time. Hopefully it won’t still feel impossible on Friday.
I went to work in Caffe Nero in town as I'd had a few chores to do and I thought a change of scene might help the telepathic transmissions. It didn’t work though. The man next to me asked if I would keep an eye on his laptop when he went to the loo. He’d correctly adjudged that I wouldn’t steal it, though I was just about to leave so hoped he’d be quick. He took a few minutes longer than I thought he would, so I assumed he was doing a poo.
Once he was back, I packed up and decided to go to the loo myself. The seat was down, which seemed to confirm my suspicions, but it was also generously sprinkled with human urine and not just on the front part. That was disappointing. I had been a Good Samaritan to a stranger who rather that rewarding me by putting me in a parable had instead decided to wee all over the toilet. Jesus seemed to be trying to tell me not to do anyone any favours.
So it was a mystery as to why he’d take so long. He hadn’t wasted any time lifting the toilet seat or aiming his flow into the gap. I don’t get why people do this. Sometimes a toilet seat won’t stay up. But I gingerly lifted it (one finger on the outer rim, away from the urine) and it did not fall down again. My urine went in the bowl with maybe a bit on the floor, as God intended. Why couldn’t that fella have lifted the toilet seat too. He could afford a laptop, but apparently he couldn’tt afford good manners.
Unusually I knew who the perp was. No one else had been in the loo in between us and there’s no way he had sat on that seat, or lifted and put it down again, as the urine dripped away as soon as I lifted it. I thought about taking his photo and tweeting it to the world and revealing this man as a toilet seat wee-er, but I keep thinking about the lawyer bludgeoning the fox in the kimono. He obviously thought that was a good tweet and that people would be on side with him. What if the world sided with the toilet-seat wee-er and castigated me for shaming him. Perhaps he had no fingers or hands. No wait, he had a laptop. He definitely had hands.
Anyway, he got away with it this time. And by not reporting him I have given him the confidence to do it again. Perhaps because of me that mean will take to shitting on the toilet seat too. I let a monster walk free.
And I have revealed to the non-badge scum that my guest for the March 9th RHLSTP will be none other than Sir Michael Palin. My God, I am nervous. My God is Michael Palin, so now he knows.
It’s sold out obviously. B
ecome a badger to not miss out on the other top guests I am hoping to catch for the coming series.
