Saturday 17th November 2012
Israel and Palestine seem to be doing all they can to ensure that the Mayan Prophecy comes true. We've got a little bit more than a month to go if those crazy Mayans were right, so do make the most of it. On the plus side you can spend all the money you've been saving for Christmas presents on drugs and hoes (it's important that your garden looks nice when the Apocalypse comes - some believe that Jesus will allow the person with the best kept borders to be admitted into Heaven whatever they've done). Soon money will have no meaning so why not head to go faster stripe and buy 1000 copies of each of my DVDs. According to Mayan legend "He soever whom maketh an pyramide from the sparkling discs of the Herring fish shall be saveth when the sun falleth into the sea." That's the way those crazy Mayans talked. So go ahead. Buy as many DVDs as you can, laughing all the time in the certain knowledge that they will save your life and that the money you give to me and Chris Evans (not that one) will be useless to us. And when the sun crashes into the sea you can allow yourself a wry smile.
And don't worry yourself by googling that quote or looking into the Mayan Prophecy story in any detail. The world ends on 21st December 2012 - the Mayans all directly said that and it's not just that their calendar finishes a cycle on that day. Trust the Mayans. They couldn't predict the end of their own civilisation, but that doesn't mean they don't know everything about ours.
Oh also I just remembered that the Mayans also said "And lo verily, for the glittery pyramid of Herring shall not worketh unless thee haveth tickets to the 2013 Talking Cock tour stucketh on top of them. At least 10 of them." I am not sure what that means, experts are still flummoxed by the cryptic nature of the missive. But in separate news I did my Talking Cock show in Aldershot tonight and it was sold out, so if you're hoping to come to any of the future dates it is worth booking ahead. Details here. Hold on. You don't think....? Maybe. It's certainly worth a punt. Given that money will soon be meaningless. Because you'll be dead or maybe spiritually changed according to some other people, but if we reach the next level of consciousness then money won't matter and the ticket lined DVD pyramid is still the only way to save yourself/reach enlightenment.
Ha ha ha. I love gullible people. I'd buy the DVDs myself but I spent all my own money on disgusting detox smoothies.
The Aldershot gig was lovely. The wonderful Jules was there, teching the show as she has done every year since 2002. It always feels like I am amongst friends here: I am treated with respect but not reverence. It's the perfect balance. I always say that I will do this gig on my tour however big I have become. It's a shame that I have not yet become so big that this is an impressive boast (I only just sold out the 140 seats tonight), but maybe one day I will be playing the O2 arena, followed by the West End Centre, followed by the Sydney Opera House and I will look like a cool and grounded superstar. Most likely as my career goes on the slide I will be grateful that this venue still books me when nowhere else will. But whatever. That loyalty and respect goes both ways I am sure.
It felt like a long time since I'd done the show and of course I didn't bother to go through it before hand, but I only made a couple of mistakes, which I covered well. I am enjoying the show and the luxury of being able to take my time with it and actually looking forward to getting back on the road properly. What a shame that the world will have ended by then.
My wife is away for the weekend so I arrived home late to an empty house, knowing I could take advantage of my freedom and do whatever I wanted. Oh yeah. It was time to do all the things my wife doesn't like. So I ate pickled onions whilst watching "The Colditz Story" in my pants. That's living all right. Then felt a bit freaked out and lonely when I went to bed and there was no lovely wife beside me. And annoyingly the pickled onions didn't give me terrible wind (like they did last time I ate them) so I didn't even have the pleasure of farting the night away and wallowing in my own disgusting funk. What a waste. Life can be cruel.
All the dates for the Talking Cock tour can be found here
Buy the Talking Cock book here
Get your name in the "We're All Going To Die!" programme and give money to SCOPE by donating at least £15 (the more you give the bigger your name) here.
Buy Fist of Fun series 2 - here (series 1 also available).
"What is Love, Anyway?" also recently released.
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