Sometimes I realise that I live in a strange hinterland outside the citadel of celebrity, but close enough for the light from that celestial location to occasionally fall upon me. I feel like some kind of feral beast, living in a bush, eating grubs, who will look up to be blinded and confused by what is going on so close to me. Intermittently the gatekeepers of the diamond paradise will leave a dish of milk out in the back garden for me and sometimes even allow me into the servant's quarters to feast on the crumbs that Science from Big Brother could not manage to consume.

What I am trying to say is that on rare occasions I am invited to celebrity parties. Eight years ago it used to happen a bit more often, but even when I was on TV I was on the periphery of the ass menagerie and if I attended such functions it was in the role of amused and occasionally awe-struck observer. I can't imagine I would ever be comfortable with being accepted into this throng of twats, but it sometimes amused me to have a gander.

But even though I haven't been on proper telly for a while I am still on some of the lists, very low down it has to be said, but a golden ticket invite will still wing its way to me infrequently. Though you can be fairly sure that with a nod to Groucho Marx, any celebrity party to which I am invited is probably not going to be all that star-studded.

I am stuck to the bottom of a deep barrel and it requires some vigorous scraping to get me off. I prefer being in the barrel to be honest, but sometimes I will get scraped.

And if you need any proof of my position in the dung heap of fame it must surely be this. At half past six this evening I received this email (which to be fair to the promoters had been sent to my management at half past four) asking if I would like to attend a launch party that started tonight at 8pm. When you are invited to something with an hour and a half to spare you have to conclude that you were not very high on the priorities of the party giver. You can only really conclude that they invited a hell of a lot of other people, giving them more than three hours notice and that those people did not want to come. Concerned that they might not have enough people to fill the room (and obviously not being able to throw the doors open to "ordinary" people who haven't even been on a poor quality reality TV show) they opened some long forgotten filing cabinet and picked out an old list, blew the dust off and found my name there.

Could anyone with a modicum of intelligence be anything but insulted by this? Did they expect me to be pleased?

Of course the whole thing could be whacky Richard Branston's idea of a joke to get back at me for certain accusations I may or may not have made about him and his company, but I don't think so. I think the people who chose to invite me thought that I would get this email, jump up and down and punch the air with glee, shouting "I'm back! I need this!" and so on.

What I particularly enjoyed about the email was that it gave a list of the "other" "celebrities" that had agreed to come to the party (and who were thus presumably all higher up the list than me) as if that would help entice me in. Here is the email. I think I will pass comment on it as it goes so to ease your understanding will put my comments in brackets and capitals. I know that writing in capitals makes people look insane, but I am not insane. I am just trying to help you. ALL RIGHT!!!

This is the email

"Hello

Would Richard Herring be interested in coming to this event tonight? If yes, could you give us a call on the numbers below, and we can arrange cabs if needed.

Thanks

VIRGIN MEDIA LAUNCH PARTY (THAT WAS THEIR CAPITALS. MY STUFF WILL BE IN BRACKETS. THE SYSTEM IS ALREADY FALLING DOWN)

Thursday 8th February 2007

PLEASE NOTE THAT WE WILL BE OUT OF THE OFFICE ON THURSDAY SO PLEASE CALL TO CONFIRM.(AGAIN THEIR CAPITALS, BUT THAT JUST RUBS IN HOW LATE I AM BEING INVITED)

Cirque Hippodrome, Leicester Square, London, WC2H 7JH

Doors open at 8pm

(THERE WAS SOME PROMOTIONAL GUFF HERE WHICH I HAVE REMOVED TO SAVE YOU BEING SULLIED BY ADVERTISING)

CONFIRMED GUEST LIST

Alan Carr (TOP OF THE TREE)

Patrick Neate (WHO IS THIS? SECOND ON THE LIST AND APPARENTLY MORE FAMOUS THAN ME, BUT I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF HIM)

Peaches Geldof (FOR FUCK'S SAKE. THAT'S YOUR NUMBER THREE IS IT? THAT'S MEANT TO IMPRESS ME. SOMEONE WHO REALLY ALL THEY HAVE MANAGED SO FAR IS TO SHOOT OUT OF THE COCK OF SOMEONE FAMOUS)

Noel Fielding (RATHER DISAPPOINTED TO SEE NOEL'S NAME ON HERE. HE IS AMONGST POOR COMPANY AND ONE SUSPECTS THAT THIS LIST IS WRITTEN IN ORDER OF WHO REPLIED TO THE INVITE. HE WAS VERY KEEN TO BE THERE)

Lil'Chris (THIS WAS NEARLY ENOUGH TO SWING IT FOR ME. BUT NOT QUITE)

Gemma Atkinson (I THINK SHE'S FROM HOLLYOAKS, BUT I HAVE ALREADY SEEN HER AT A CELEBRITY PARTY. SHE WAS IN THE GENTS TOILET, NOT BEING PREPARED TO WAIT IN THE LADIES AND SHE TOLD ME IT WAS HER 18TH BIRTHDAY THAT NIGHT. I ALREADY HAVE AN ANNECDOTE ABOUT HER SO DON'T NEED TO SEE HER AGAIN. UNLESS I AM THINKING OF THE WRONG PERSON. BUT LET'S FACE IT THEY ARE ALL THE SAME)

Jake Maskall (WHO?)

Alexa Chung (I LIKED HER, UNTIL I HEARD SHE WAS WORKING WITH BEN ELTON AND NOW SHE IS TAINTED)

Justin Lee Collins (SO MUCH FURTHER DOWN THE LIST THAN ALAN CARR. HE WILL BE FURIOUS WHEN HE GOOGLES HIMSELF AND SEES THIS)

Sarah Beeny

Jon Culshaw (FROM DEAD RINGERS? WOOOH!)

Nicki Chapman

Reggie Yates

Matt Willis & Emma

Griffiths

Jeremy Edwards (I ALREADY MET HIM, RUNNING A COMIC RELIEF MILE AND THEN AGAIN IN EDINBURGH WHERE HE WAS ANGRY WITH ME BECAUSE I HAD SUPPOSEDLY TOLD A JOURNALIST THAT HE OBVIOUSLY HAD SOMETHING GOING ON WITH IZZY DU TOIT, WHICH I DON'T THINK I DID, AND WHICH HE OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T, SO DON'T WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN AS HE MIGHT HIT ME)

Jermaine Jackson (THIS IS THE FIRST PROPER CELEBRITY ON THE LIST, BUT I CAN'T IMAGINE HIM ENJOYING HIMSELF AT THIS EVENT)

Alesha Dixon (WHO)

Richard Bacon (NOW WE'RE TALKING)

McFly (FROM AL MURRAY'S CHAT SHOW. COOL)

Katherine Jenkins

Jodie Kidd

Duncan James

Greg & Lucy Rusedski (AS LONG AS LUCY RUSEDSKI IS THERE THEN I AM HAPPY)

Simon Webbe

Jo Brand (OH JO, SAY IT ISN'T SO)

Cleo Roccas

Margo Stilley

Stephen Segal (WHAT A FUCKED UP WORLD THIS IS WHERE STEPHEN SEGAL AND CLEO ROCCAS ARE AT THE SAME PARTY AND CLEO IS HIGHER UP THAN SEGAL)

Burn Gorman (FROM TORCHWOOD - GENUINELY COOL, UNLIKE THE COOL I USED FOR MCFLY)

Eilijah Wood (OH YEAH, PUT HIM HALF WAY DOWN THE LIST. MAKE SURE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT ALAN CARR IS THERE THOUGH)

Ian Marber (THIS MUST SURELY BE A CHARACTER MADE UP BY ME)

Marcus Brigstocke

Holly Willoughby

Magic Numbers

Jeremy Sheffield (THEY ARE DEFINITELY MAKING THE NAMES UP NOW)

Bret Ratner

To be confirmed… (THIS IS MORE TRAGIC. PEOPLE THEY HAVE INVITED BUT WHO HAVEN'T SAID YES, BUT THEY ARE STILL TRYING TO TEMPT ME IN WITH THEM)

Hard Fi

The Feeling

Sophie Ellis Bextor

Kelly Brook & Billy Zane

Jamelia

Myleene Klass

David Gest

Ian Watkins (UP TO HERE IT WAS LOOKING QUITE GOOD. BUT I AM NOT SURE I WANT TO GO TO A PARTY THAT H FROM STEPS IS NOT CONVINCED HE WANTS TO GO TO)

June Sarpong (JESUS! THAT IS AN EXPRESSION OF DISBELIEF RATHER THAN A SUGGESTION OF SOMEONE THEY COULD INVITE. NO POINT. HE'LL BE THERE ANYWAY. POOR SOD. HASN'T HE SUFFERED ENOUGH)"

Anyway, I decided I would not accept this slap in the face that Virgin Media had offered me and just stayed at home and watched TV instead, aware and comfortable with my position in the celebrity firmament. I think I made the right decision and hope I have given you a glimpse into the Hell that I could have slid into had I not managed to maintain a career of such mediocrity.

This week had confirmed to me how lucky I have been in the way things have worked out so far.

Reading of the unfortunate demise of Anna Nicole Smith just before I turned in put everything into even sharper focus. I hope they interrupted the party to flash up images of her corpse with "this is where this is all leading, you know" written across it in biro. If we can save just one more celebrity, vacuously chasing nothing then her death will not have been in vain.

Oh dear, went a bit nasty at the end there. Fuck it. I'm pressing post anyway.

BTW Audio recording of my solo stint at Tedstock here. Haven't heard it myself yet, so don't know what the quality is.

Also the same guy has some illegal podcasts that you might be interested in.

[ Email this edition of Warming Up to a friend ]