5125/18045
Every now and again it hits me that Donald Trump is actually going to be President. It’s never quite as bad as the first time I realised this, but it still hurts. What the fuck is going on in the world?
My wife, having a well deserved night out with the girls whilst I looked after the baby (translation: drank rum and orange juice alone, whilst losing money playing poker online whilst my baby slept- I have decided to drink and gamble what little remains of my life away in an attempt to escape the news) texted me to say she was on her way home. I was getting ready to sleep so texted her that I might be in bed. But a combination of rum, gambling losses and autocorrect meant that the text said “I might be inbredâ€. Which is a helluva a bit of news to impart by text after nine years of being together and nearly five years of marriage. I should have mentioned that earlier. And probably face to face. Rather than blurting it out from a distance, in written form, when she’s trying to let her hair down.
I mean I grew up in Somerset so one might reasonably argue in a court of law that she should have realised that this was a possibility. But I imagine it was quite the revelation. Just a guess. I mean she didn’t reply or come home so I don’t think she’s taken it all that well. I don’t need her anyway. I have my rum. And my mum. Who is also my sister.
All I am saying is that autocorrect probably shouldn’t ever go for “inbred†at any point. Or if it does a message should come up saying “Did you really mean inbred? I mean “in bed†seems so much more likely. I should probably assume that’s what you were after, but can you just confirm?"
I had enjoyed a day off, taking my daughter to her football class, where she was focused and did brilliantly (considering the mutated genes that must be swimming around inside her - no hold on, that was an autocorrect error). She still can’t jump and says “blue†when asked what colour anything is (which means she’s always right if it’s blue), but she’s coordinated and knows which colour is which, she just thinks you have to say “blue†when someone asks the question. She looks really chuffed when she gets stuff right and when she had to demonstrate one of the tasks and scored a goal she ran the length of the hall with her arms in the air and hugged me like she’s just won the FA Cup.
She does love being the centre of attention, a personality trait that I find repugnant. She has a little plastic recorder which she will play a tune on and then she holds her hands out towards us and claps, telling us that is what we are supposed to do, and then when we clap she bows. This is not something we taught her and I can only guess that she picked this up from going to see the plays we’ve been to. Her recorder playing is utter shit too. That’s what sticks in my craw.
Also she thinks if she stands behind the arm of the sofa that she is invisible. Even though the arm of the sofa only goes up to her chest. She will then put her arm out and wave and we have to pretend we can only see her hand. What an idiot. Maybe I am inbred after all.
