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Oh my gosh. I forgot to lube my nipples yesterday. You know what that’s like, right?
Luckily they were just sensitive rather than bleeding, which made a nice change as my nipples are usually dull and lifeless, so at least for one day they got to feel a little of what some of the other nipples get to experience daily, though this was (I am guessing) a little more painful than pleasurable. Yet the pain still made me laugh. Because it was happening to my nipples. Which are funny,
Why do men even have nipples anyway? Right guys. What’s that all about?
It is clearly explained in my book “Talking Cock†(in one of the rarer bits that navigates north of the belly button, but is really there to explain that women have penises too - intrigued now, huh? Buy the book [or google it]).
My legs were a little stiff and my cold had had a minor return, but I couldn’t rest up as I was flying to Belfast for another tour date.
Tonight’s dance settee was a posh leather affair, but as it was on wheels and the stage at the beautiful old Empire Music Hall was high I could not risk the Edinburgh denouement (though to be honest I think it’s unlikely I will be able to do it at many of the gigs - it was highly dangerous even when I was in control of the environment and had a specially selected sofa. As I danced on the Belfast dance settee it shifted back and forth alarmingly. I will be very surprised if by May I haven’t fallen off or over or behind a dance settee and hurt myself. I still bear the scar from the hubristic leap I made at the Battersea Arts Centre. Aside from that it was a really enjoyable gig. It is a real luxury to be working without the regimented time slot that comes with the Edinburgh Fringe, meaning that I am able to take my time with what I am doing and explore new ideas as they occur to me (ATOTM). Consequently the 65 minutes from the Fringe has already stretched to 90 with barely any additions of whole new bits. And I suspect it will continue to grow. I have a feeling that this show will alter the most of any I’ve done in recent years over the course of the tour. Tonight I had a lot of fun mimicking the apoplectic anger of men who find out there’s an international women’s day and then in the second half found an amusing new diversion in the bit about audio descriptions of slapstick, which I suspect will become its own ten minute bit by May 2015. It certainly flew tonight (though sometimes there ad-libbed sections only work the first time you do them and the magic is never quite recaptured) and it was a joy to have dug down, discovered some hidden treasure and be able to show it to the crowd at the same time as I was thinking of it for the first time. It certainly gave a lie to my assertion that slapstick doesn’t work well described. I might make a career of just describing slapstick events from now on. My favourite was “Two men try to take a piano downstairs. They have some difficulty.â€
I also enjoyed my usual attempt to unite the protestants and catholics in the city in mutual hatred of myself, by slagging them off. But had to let them know that I was born on the 12th of July and that as a kid my favourite colour was orange, but added that I didn’t really like bowler hats or banging drums or having rocks thrown at me over a bit fence, so I think on balance I remained impartial in the ongoing war about which branch of Christianity is the best. I know Jesus would approve of people fighting over that (he of course knows which side, if any is correct) and He must be slightly pissed off that the two sides have reached a grudging truce. Presumably the people chucking the stones are without sin and can claim they have a clear mandate from the Messiah to carry on with what they are doing.
If the rest of the tour goes as well as this then I will be very happy. I think numbers might have been a bit down on the last time I was in the city (though not sure), but there were more than enough people in and they were very enthusiastic both during and after the performance. Certainly worth the trip, even with the sore nips.
Special offer for the next RHLSTP (Monday 6th October). See James Acaster & Brendon Burns for just £10. Go to the Leicester Square website and quote herring10. Also works if you ring them or buy the tickets in person from the box office. Do come along. It's a bit quiet at the moment, but I am certain those will be two really awesome interviews.
