Nigella could cook and eat a human baby and I would still prefer her to her erstwhile husband. If she does I hope I get a drumstick. If a celebrity taking three cocaines is worthy of main news story on the BBC website then I have a feeling things might get a little busy. Nigella is certainly the best thing ever to explode out of a Tory politician's nutsack. I hope that if I ever have a daughter that Richarda will be as cool as her.
Some people take drugs, some people are gay, some people have affairs. It's probably the majority of people in a couple of those cateogaries. Now we've established that can we move on to some actual news? No, of course not.
I popped out to the Post Office and witnessed a spectacular piece of driving on the Uxbridge Road. I can't quite understand how it happened as I was only alertinged by the crunch and smash, but a car driving west somehow deviated from the single lane traffic and drove into a plastic bollard and a traffic light in the middle of the road. The traffic light bent back at a 45 degree angle and the bollard scrunched up under the car. He can't have been trying to turn right, unless he wanted to ram raid Dominos and he can't have been trying to overtake (unless he was insane). Presumably he just decided to stop paying attention to the road and drive along and see what happened. Maybe he was blindfolded. Or mistakenly thought he was in Kit from Knight Rider. I have no idea really. But it was a spectacular and pointless shunt and luckily no one was around to be hit by a falling traffic light. If he wanted to damage something on purpose there was a speed camera just metres away.
The driver got out, looked at his car and then got back in and drove off. He then turned right so maybe he was going to the police station (that he was right outside) to report what he'd done. Or maybe he was just fucking off. As an upstanding citizen who didn't really like the possibility of this idiot breaking something that I'd end up having to pay for I took a photo of his car as he left. Do get in touch if you are the police and this crime has been unsolved. Hold on - I am planning on blowing up the Westfield with a Semtex bomb to avenge the death of Osama Bin Laden, Allahu Akbar - right, that should have the secret service reading the blog. Ignore the bit about the bomb. Read about the more serious crime about the denting of municipal property.
The traffic light was still working, but now lying back and so only really of use to motorists approaching from the sky. One day all traffic lights will be like this. Maybe he was preparing the way for invaders from the future. They may be about to destroy all that we hold dear and good, but that's no cause to disobey the traffic light code.
Life in Shepherd's Bush continued pretty much uninterrupted by the incident. People looked up. I said, "fuck". Not many gave the incident more than a cursory glance. After posting my letters, doing some work in a cafe and going to the supermarket I returned to see that the traffic light was still lounging back, which suggests to me that the man hadn't told anyone what he'd done, or no one gave a fuck. "It's still working is it? Ah well, that's fine. No need to check that it's about to fall on a pedestrian or electrocute someone."
Weirdly this incident occurred on almost exactly the 10 year anniversary of the last time I saw a vehicle collide with street furniture (and my chosen expletive was "shit") when a bus hit a lamp post. In those days the police cared enough to turn up to investigate (plus there was a false detective that I'd forgotten about), now they couldn't even be bothered to cross the road from their station to prop the traffic light back up. Cameron's Broken Britain. I'll be interested to see how long the traffic light stays like that. I suspect that it might be some time.
I am making great strides with the new script for Channel 4, provisionally called Chedwood. It's even been written about by the Radio Times (although they have got most of the facts wrong and corrected a few already - they said I went to a private school). The show isn't really about Cheddar, though uses some of the history of the gorge as inspiration, but is set in a lawless and strange seaside town (which is accessed via a gorge) which has a wild west feel (though it's set in the modern day). There's nothing about my childhood in there. Well not yet. So a bit of Cheddar, a bit of Deadwood and obviously series 2 will be called Jedward Chedwood and be exactly the same as series one, but with every scene recreated exactly, but now with Jedward in shot. It's just a pilot script and won't be on TV unless it gets commissioned. And I tell you if this script doesn't make it to the telly, then I think I will probably just write another one. And so on. Until I die. And then after that by wiring up my dead hands to an electic plug and having them placed on a keyboard in my coffin. Eventually I've got to come up with something as good as "The Wright Way" - I am pretty sure that's how Elton wrote that.
Next I will probably write a Homeland style drama about an Everton football manager who takes a job with Man United, but is actually a double agent. Or is he? When he returns to Everton has he been turned?
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