So I was thinking about Han Solo a lot today. I don’t think he’s all that. I don’t mind hi shooting first against Greedo. Greedo was about to kill him and also he’s a dick and also he is clearly the inspiration for Krombopulous Michael in Rick and Morty (who is way better than him), so Han did the right thing there.
But he turns up like a goal hanger in the Death Star battle and sure, gets Darth Vader and his cronies off Luke’s tail, but Luke can use the force and don’t need no help. But Solo has disappeared for the rest of the battle and allowed all the other pilots to get blown up. If he’d turned up at the beginning, maybe he could have saved a few of those guys. Yeah, maybe he’d have been killed too, but that would at least have some dignity.
He gets to join in with all the celebrations when he’s basically done nothing and no one seems to be blanking him for pissing off and contributing to the deaths of all those other pilots. Of course everyone is relieved the Death Star is gone and the planet isn’t blown up, but fucking Hell, all those friends lost. That’s got to hurt. And if Han Solo hadn’t been fannying about then maybe many of them, or maybe just one or two more, would have been able to be in that big medal ceremony too.
You’re not a hero for turning up at the end. You’re slightly better than someone who doesn’t turn up at all. But maybe not even that. I remember in my first week at college I heard someone lugging a trunk up the four flights of stairs that led to my floor. I was in my room and I heard the clunk, clunk. I realised what it probably was. I thought someone would turn up to help whoever was lugging the trunk on their own but the clunks kept on going. I didn’t really want to help. I was having a nice time sitting in my room on my own, having no friends, feeling alone, wishing I hadn’t split up with my girlfriend at home, wondering if anyone would like me. I could hear whoever it was lugging the trunk, groaning at the weight. I could hear the clunk as he pulled it up another step on his own.
Maybe I should help.
But why should I? Why didn’t someone else help? It was clear that guy needed helping.
Finally I decided that I was being a bit selfish and came out of my room. One of the dads of the other first year students was lugging the trunk. He was maybe five steps from the top of the stairs.
“Do you want a hand?” I asked breezily, as if I had somehow not heard all the noise that had been going on for minutes.
The dad basically told me to fuck off and did the last bit on his own. He was right to be cross.
I don’t know where his son was whilst he was doing this, but later the son would tell me the story of the idiot who came out and asked if his dad needed a hand at the last minute. What a prick! I agreed.
I never told him I was that prick. I was Han fucking Solo at the Death Star and I didn’t get a fucking medal. And nor did I ask for one. Because I knew I was a prick. And 30 or so good men hadn’t been killed as a result of me not bothering to show up and shoot the baddies.
Han Solo is a fucking prick who wouldn’t help someone’s dad up the stairs with a trunk (even though it wasn’t really my battle). If I was really Han Solo then I’d go on to fuck that student’s sister. But I am better than Han Solo at least in that regard.
It took me ages to make any friends. Or lose my virginity. I blame Covid 86 which kept us all stuck in our rooms and unable to socialise. A lot of people have forgotten about it. But that's why I didn't have sex with anyone til the third term.