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Loving having some time off and getting to spend proper quality time with my family. The last two nights I’ve done the pre-bedtime feed and my daughter has more or less fallen asleep in my arms, and even though as usual, I know that life will be harder and that things can go wrong, having her tiny body in my arms, smelling the honey scented baby shampoo in her hair, her arms around me and feeling her fight off the tiredness and fail has just about been the most beautiful thing to ever happen to me in my life. I knew that the future me would look back at the present me and envy me for these moments. I knew it was special and transient and that very soon my daughter will be too big and then too cool to share something like this with me, but I knew that I had it now and it was enough. It’s just utterly beautiful and made me rather emotional. Being a dad has destroyed everything that was good about me.
And she is being incredible value for money right now, finding pretty much everything she sees hilarious, because the world is fucking ridiculous and only a really new person can see that as they haven’t yet been worn down by familiarity. And she is starting to get proper jokes too. I can give her a sideways look and she will look back at me and laugh because she knows that we’ve shared something funny. I don’t know if it makes the living Hell of the first six months worthwhile (it wasn’t that bad, but I have to say that to show solidarity with the parents who have a shitty time for ages - and some of it was a little tough), but it’s awesome to see her personality emerge and so far she’s delightful and not a dick and even though I know she probably will be a dick for some good length of time, I really sense that she’s got a shot at not being a dick.
And even though she’s sometimes cute and thus funny, she’s also really funny all the time, because she’s a human being, but she’s much too tiny. She’s got all the stuff that proper sized humans have, but miniaturised and that’s one of the funniest things ever. Like when a man wears a much too small hat. It’s the same joke.
I can’t believe she’s real. I can’t believe we have her. I can’t believe I went so long not having her, but I am also glad I waited, because if I hadn’t we’d have some other dickish kid now who might not be as funny or cute, but would still be a bit funny due to them being much too small. Ah well.
As I watched my daughter sleeping via the secret camera that we have set up to observe her (it's just a baby monitor, but it's secret as far as she's concerned -we’re not creepy, loads of parents do this) and she rolled around being much too small and ridiculous I thought that being a baby is a great thing to be and I tweeted, "why can't everyone be babies? It would be fucking brilliant."
I had thought through some of the logic of this and this was, in a sense the joke, but loads of people piled in on the idea. And here’s what happened, with my answers to the questions in typical Twitter fashion appearing before the questions
obviously RT @CarliDogstand: @Herring1967 and we'd all die
We would feed upon each other's flesh
RT @Sophiemacmac: @Herring1967 But who would feed us?
no one to put them on. We'd poo free RT @ChickRik: @Herring1967 Who would change the nappies? Please be practical, Richard.
But we stay being babies
RT @1989andallthat: @Herring1967 Isn't that how it ACTUALLY works?
Who do you know missed out that stage?
The fact that they'd be babies too
RT @cranstonfearns: @Herring1967 who would stop DJs from the 70s fucking us
Who'd care?
RT @ChickRik: @Herring1967 Who would clean up the poo?
there would be no farming as we'd all be babies
RT @RickandPaul: @Herring1967 How would farming work?
Where did the first humans come from? Same process
RT @Xaviaxx: @Herring1967 how would we become babies? who'd give birth to us?
They'd be babies too
RT @RakkaRocket: @Herring1967 Who would save us from the wolves?
Just imagine it, before we all die of starvation, it would really funny. Also we'd be nice babies, not those prickish ones you get
No buildings. We'd all be babies
RT @Joe2596: @Herring1967 who would build the buildings? Would they be build out of legos?
We wouldn't. The babies would die quickly
RT @KevPharmacist: @Herring1967 How we be protected from the babies with rabies?
But what a day
RT @sofialjo: @Herring1967 @Joe2596 we would last a day.
It wouldn't matter. We'd be babies and thus illiterate
RT @NealP55: @Joe2596 Also... THERE IS NO SUCH WORD AS LEGOS!!! It's Lego!
You are incorrect. They are extremely entertaining
RT @Chuckieegg007: @Herring1967 babies don't do anything. They are really fucking boring.
There would be no facebook or photos as we'd be babies
RT @itsjustyou: @Herring1967 who would post all the baby photos to Facebook?
Oh they really are. Everythign is entertaining to a baby. They're idiots RT @Chuckieegg007: @Herring1967 not to other babies they're not
But we'd all be babies
RT @CianMcGar: @Herring1967 @Chuckieegg007 Just only for the people what own 'em though!
no one. she'd be a baby
RT @pigthedog: @Herring1967 who would fuck my mate ben's mum?
no one would know. Or even think to ask. We'd all be babies
RT @acresofspace: @Herring1967 Where would babies come from?
You're asking questions like I haven't thought this through. But I have. And it'd be great.
There would be no days or understanding of time or gender. As we'd all be babies
RT @RobertApplin: what would happen to Int Men's Day?
A magic crystal
RT @Waterpistolman: @Herring1967 but who made us all into these babies? God?
The aliens, but kept under guard in a Tibetan monastry
RT @Joe2596: who made the magic crystals? Don't you dare say magic babies.
Exactly, plus they are funny
RT @chridicandy95: @Herring1967 it would be Fucking amazing, babies don't care about anything!
in a nutshell, that's more or less it
RT @MikeTaylor: I think I understand keystone of your proposal. It's that we'd all be babies, right?
They'd be babies
RT @ziptoria: @Herring1967 I don't understand, what happened to the adults who gave birth to us all?
"Who would ask dumb questions about the world where everyone was a baby?" you ask? No one, we'd all be babies.
babies don't seem to notice that. + we'd all be babies
RT @UKgnome: I don't think you've thought it through. It would smell off wee and poo.
No, everyone would be a baby
RT @wardylovesit: @Herring1967 Would there still be the Olympics?
No! We'd all just be babies
RT @ziptoria: babies giving birth to babies?! This won't work AT ALL. I don't think you've thought this through.
I am astonished about the number of people who don't seem to get this.
No, he'd be a baby and it would be baby anarchy
RT @almost2old: @Herring1967 think Corbyn might even win GE?
Sure, why not?
RT @thecordialdevil: @Herring1967 Would the animals be babies too?
Suck it up Pinsent and give those medals back
RT @matthewcpinsent: @Herring1967 @wardylovesit Whaaat? it all made sense up until just then.
Also it would be like Groundhog Day, except it would never be the perfect day,
so we'd just get on with being babies forever
I probably should have mentioned that at the start. I just thought that bit was obvious
24 hours times infinity
RT @sofialjo: @Herring1967 forever being 24 hours tops
No they'd be babies. Otherwise we'd all be eggs too (& maybe sperm)
RT @El_Muesli: if all animals are babies would all birds be eggs?
No shops. We'd all be babies. I should have said.
RT @arnieparmie: it would restore mothercare to its rightful place on every UK high st
Babies are fun. You know after the first seven months. For about two days.
Anyway I can't sit here all night talking about everyone being babies.
Just imagine if we were. And stop asking questions.
what part of "We'd all be babies" did you not understand?
RT @Maiden__Blue: @Herring1967 Would we still use Twitter if we were?
Oh hold on, no. before we got turned into babies they would set up all the stuff we needed,
so there would be all tv and food....
..but we'd all be babies.
Oh I ruined it. Ah well, it was a nice idea
Exactly
RT @SirArthurIndeed: @Herring1967 "they" being the crystal-wielding aliens with strong ties to Tibetan monasteries?
No, we'd all be babies.
RT @hooveraspider: @Herring1967 arse wipe.
What about a zombie film but where everyone turns into babies instead of zombies?
And people had to kill the babies? copyright me
To begin with it'd be cute, but you'd pick up the baby and then become a baby.
And planes full of babies would crash cos a baby was flying
The non-babies
RT @KevPharmacist: @Herring1967 who'd kill the babies? Babies don't know how to kill
not everyone is a baby, this is a new idea
RT @GrahamMarshall_: @Herring1967 But if everyone is babies who's killing them?
All right. I've gone too far. Apologies if i offended any babies tonight.
Herring out (drops mic - sound guy is annoyed)
it'd be hard to resist
RT @jamgyal: @Herring1967 So...the babies infect you by being picked up. How could we possibly ever defend ourselves?
I am nicking that in spite of your trademark
RT @Popfictional: @Herring1967 Zombabiesâ„¢
In fact I am calling it Zomb(ab)ies which is way better
RT @Popfictional: @Herring1967 Zombabiesâ„¢
Noooooooooo! Thank god for my brackets
RT @unclewilco: @Herring1967 @Popfictional zmdb.org/movie/3258-Zom…
only if they are baby wombles.
RT @mlock72: @Herring1967 @Popfictional What about Womb-ies? Like a womb thing going on, eh?
Fuck - zombie wombles is a fucking great idea for a film. When the everyday folk get left behind.
I have got about five movies out of this.
Anyone want to give me the money to make them (and the rights to the wombles)
@mrmitchell78 @Herring1967 I'm so sorry. Zombie Babies, 2011. pic.twitter.com/JeXLpcHEIV
Fuck the world for having my ideas before me
RT @unclewilco: @Herring1967 or zombles as this fella mentions twitter.com/sjcoltrane/sta…
Can't believe I am wasting valuable sleep time on this. Good night
So that was a waste of an evening where I could have been playing myself at snooker.
