5836/18856
Time to record my fifth podcast in three days - I was back on stage at the Leicester Square Theatre tonight for a chat led by Sarah Millican and Mickey Noonan for the
Standard Issue Podcast (this ep out in December I think). And it was a star-laden line-up of men (for international men’s day - usually this is an all female podcast) with David Mitchell, Colin Jackson and David Morrissey, an actor I am in awe of, not least for his amazing turn as the Governor in The Walking Dead. Luckily he is much more charming and less murderous in real life. He still murdered a few people, but just not as many as you’d think if you assumed he was like his character. Also two eyes.
There was some chat about international men’s day and masculinity and whether men are conditioned to avoid appearing emotional (and by whom if so), but there were a lot of laughs and the hour flew by. It was interesting being asked to recall my childhood bedroom, not only because it gave me a chance to tell the story about trying unsuccessfully to spy on my sister’s friend Barbie, but also to realise that I remembered my old orange bedspread with staggering clarity. Some things I didn’t recall at all - what was in the alcove beneath the place that I tried to bore my spy hole? Other things, like my big old gramophone cabinet and the general orangey-ness of the decor are very clear.
Colin Jackson revealed that he was 51 to gasps from the audience, as he is still incredibly fit, but looks like he might well be in his 30s. I revealed I was 51 and had to provide my own gasps. Never have the benefits of exercise been more clearly demonstrated by two men sitting next to each other. But I have much more hair than him, so that proves that exercise makes you bald, so it’s your choice guys.
It was fun being a guest rather than running the whole thing and David Mitchell, as always was effortlessly hilarious.
Then I hot-tailed it across town to the Justgiving Awards where my work on international women’s day was up for an award in the “Celebrity†category. I was up for this same award a few years ago, due to my work with Scope (what can I say? I do a lot of secret work for charity that I don’t like to talk about), but had been defeated by Bane from Batman who it turned out had even more fastidious fans on social media than me. My lot are good, but they crumble in the face of a dedicated onslaught. It happened again when I lost to Jason Manford in that Radio Times poll after crushing Ricky Gervais.
Sure, I always come second. But had House of Games broken my curse? Was I taking home a second trophy in the space of a week?
After watching the amazing stories of love, loss and the human spirit for the rest of the night, I was kind of hoping that me sitting on my arse for 24 hours wouldn’t be recognised. And I’d been a bit torn about the nomination: I was all for publicising the amazing work that Refuge do, but I have always been nervous of making the whole International Women’s Day thing about me. I am just trying to coral idiots so everyone else can get on and enjoy the day properly and I’ve always turned down interviews about it, or offers to make me the centre of the attention. My job is to slowly go mad as I attempt another Herculean and yet impossible task like the massive Cnut that I am.
So I hadn’t been very pushy on social media about getting votes. And given that this was all about votes and I was up against a handsome man from Made in Chelsea… maybe I wasn’t going to do this. But unusually I felt that I might and that the incredible accidental phenomenon I had created through procrastination was actually a worthy winner.
I thought I’d be too late for my award anyway, but got there in good time. The organisers told me that they had moved my category a little later in the evening, which I took as a sign that I might have won and they were accommodating my lateness.
I got to sit at a table with the fantastic people who work at Refuge and have some nice food and a glass of wine. It was already good. I didn’t need a trophy. I should probably donate the trophy to Refuge anyway… And I was preparing a speech in my mind about how turning something negative on social media into something positive was a reminder that as loud as the dickheads are (and on that day, I am one of them in many ways), there is way more good in the world than we think. And that sometimes trolling can be used for good purpose. Experience has taught me not to be confident about these events, but something told me that I was going to win this.
Then they played the videos of the nominees that we’d shot a few weeks ago, where I said "it doesn’t really matter who wins as long as we’re shining a light on charity.†And I thought, “Oh I am probably not going to win it, but good point from that bloke."
The Made in Chelsea bloke won. But remember what the man in the video said. He was a wise man. I wish I was like him. Because now I wanted to have won.
I felt mildly disappointed, but also mildly relieved. Seriously, my silliness, however effective at accidentally raising money, was not on a par with the stuff that the other winners and non-winners had done. But it would have been nice to big up Refuge to the crowd and to make the point that sometimes non-traditional and inventive ways of money-raising can be the most effective AND TO HAVE AN AWARD. I’d never have given it to Refuge. It was MINE.
I will be back on March 8th and be happy to raise a tenth of what I raised this year. But then again, I’d be happier to raise a quarter of a million. And even happier with a million. It turns out that money does make you happy. Giving up a day of my year is nothing and I was genuinely honoured to be sitting at a table with the people who do the actual work for Refuge - they are literally saving lives- every day of they year. I just like attempting impossible tasks and seeing them through to my death.
Thanks very much if you voted for me or donated to the Justgiving page for Refuge. Normality is restored. I am an unlucky loser rather than a lucky winner. And that’s how we all like it.
