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Up at five with my baby this morning, whilst Catie had a lie-in after working late last night. I felt OK to start with, but after three hours of stopping him committing accidental suicide (he can now slither out of his high chair straps and attempts to pull himself backwards over the top of it) and getting his sister ready for nursery I was exhausted. I had planned to do the final bits of work on the Emergency Questions book today, but I lay in bed or the bath watching old episodes of Jonathan Creek instead (a youthful Emma Kennedy pops up in one of them in a bath of porridge, but I was not sexually aroused by this and anyone who says I was is lying). I am having a rest from drinking to see if that gives me more energy, but I seem to be proving that the booze is irrelevant. The lack of sleep is the killer.If anything, being drunk all day really takes the edge off how hard raising children is.
Anyway, I dicked around on Twitter for a bit and idly attempted to get blocked by Piers Morgan. A few days ago he had played a clip of someone slagging him off on TV saying, “Whoever this woman is, absolutely hates me.†I had RTed it saying, "If you’re going to do this one by one, it might take a bit of timeâ€. Which I thought was a nice little joke. But Piers sensibly ignored me.
It’s almost like he gets off on people being negative about him (I think it was him RTing the Mash Report pic of himself and Trump that really made that story go viral) as today he RTed an article from a woman who had called him out in public, saying, "Woman who calls me a 'f**king fascist-enabling c**t' in a café because I interviewed the US President becomes liberal heroine & invited to write for a magazine about her behaviour. What a joke. Thank God I'm leaving this country for a few weeks - people are losing their minds.â€
I chipped in with a throwaway, "If we all do it will you leave the country forever?â€
It’s not as good a joke as the earlier one, but it passed the time.
But this time Piers responded saying, "Tell you what, come & try. Let's see how brave you are when you say it to my face.â€
I was surprised he bothered, but as the previous examples show, he likes to get people cross with him - it’s basically his gimmick. So I had partly played into his hands. I was surprised he took it to heart so much though. And seemed to be threatening me with violence. I am not a brave man, but I am totally brave enough to ask him if he will leave the country forever to his face. If he then punches me for doing so then I am also happy to get the police involved. I have some experience of fighting as anyone who has seen Oh Fuck I’m 40 will attest, so I know my rights. I would also be happy to call him a fascist enabling cunt to his face. I invited him on to my podcast to prove it. He didn’t respond to that.
I also have experience of Twitter pile-ons. The one that was caused by me suggesting that Ricky Gervais might want to think about using the word “mong†lead to a barrage of tweets that seemed to last days, that flew up my computer screen faster than I could read them, all from people saying that mong didn’t mean disabled any more and I was a spastic for thinking it did. Like a stupid Cnut I tried to answer everyone and after a couple of days of it, it did break me a little bit and I cried.
Piers proved to have a less devoted followership. I presume he RTed me to get his followers to pile on (and to be fair I wouldn’t have minded if my original tweet had let to lots of people calling him a fascist-enabler), but very few of his followers piled on and they all seemed to like the England flag and the crying with laughter emoji and at least one of them was really worried about Sharia Law replacing British Law.
I am an idiot with time on my hands and a desire to cause mischief, but clearly the sensible thing to do with any criticism is to ignore it, not amplify it (unless you want to maintain your brand - Piers isn’t as stupid as he looks. He’s slightly less stupid). I tweeted "I mis-spoke @piersmorgan. I meant to say you weren’t a fascist-enabling c**t. Please forgive me.†But this didn’t satisfy Piers. He came back with, "Hi Dick. Like I said, come and be Billy Big Balls to my face.â€
Would he say that to my face though? Cos if he did then I don’t know what I’d do. Probably be a bit confused and laugh. Because we’re both in our 50s. I do have big balls though. Someone asked how Piers knew about this and I said it was because he hacked my underpants.
Anyway, it was all stupid, childish nonsense. Piers hasn’t accepted my invite, but nor has he blocked me, so he wins this round.
Also the second wave of tweets came just as I was about to have an early night and took 90 minutes of precious sleep away from me. 2-0 Piers. You were lucky this time, I only have to be lucky once.
