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Tuesday 15th February 2005

I am recording a programme for BBC2 tomorrow. It's called "The Best and Worst of God" and it's hosted by Vic Reeves. The basic idea is to interview people and ask them what they think are the best things he's done and what other things are just rubbish. It's divided into categories like "animals", "weather" and "sex".
Vic Reeves is interviewing dozens of people for a 90 minute special, though I think it might make quite a good idea for a 30 minute, one to one "Room 101" style series. Because it involves both an observational comedy and a philosophical element. It's not just about what is good and crap, there's the extra dimension of discussing what the creator was thinking of and where he ballsed up and, if not surpassed himself (not sure that's possible), at least did an excellent job.
I've really enjoyed thinking about this and because I am sure in the final edit my contribution will be measured in seconds rather than minutes, I think it will be OK to share some of them with you, as they're never going to see the light of television.

Celestial Object
Best - The Moon. The Sun is always the same, but the moon has a pleasing variety. Different shapes and sizes, colour varies. Always wanting to entertain. Brings light to the night time which is some comfort. Selfishly the Sun only appears during the day, when itÂ’s nice and bright anyway, but the moon provides some light when itÂ’s dark. I like the way it sometimes cheekily appears during the day-time, whilst the sun never appears at night, except for the Eskimos and Vikings. I like the way that although it is much smaller than the sun, god has put it in a place where it will exactly cover the sun in times of eclipse. Nice touch.
It doesnÂ’t give you skin cancer.It is romantic. You can walk on it without getting all burnt up. It gives us tides, thus making the sea more interesting. It will not eventually get really massive and burn up all life. I think all this more than makes up for its negative impact on the werewolf populations and the fact it gives women periods

Worst – The asteroid that destroyed the dinosaurs. Again god’s petualance comes into force. He spends all that time designing crazy monsters to rule the earth and then decides he didn’t like them after all and destroys them all in one go. I think dinosaurs were great and I’d have been pleased with them if I’d made them up from nothing, but god decided to give the mammals a go and outside of blue whales they are nothing like as impressive.

Best - The fart It is good that God made the sound that comes from the funniest place so amusing. Some might have been tempted to subvert expectation and make a fart unexpectedly the most beautiful sound in the world, like a choir of angels, but God in his wisdom realised it would actually be doubly funny to make the fart a really funny noise. And thus the joke would never get boring. Also variety of farts helps ensure this. You can never be sure quite what youÂ’re going to get.

Worst - Polystyrene God didnÂ’t make polystyrene, I admit, but he made a world full of stuff that would go towards making up polystyrene. He must have known how these ingredients would be put to use and how bad the sound would be when it was rubbed together and how this would make me get angry and lose control. He could have created a natural material that would be better for packaging and for reflecting light etc.

Best - Lightning It’s God’s way of marshalling his subjects and punishing them too. Perfect simplicity for punishing neer do wells. With volcanoes and earthquakes you’ve got to get all the bad people together in one place and then use your divine hand to rescue any good people who accidentally get caught up in the phenomena, but with lightning you can be precise and direct. Ian Norman, you’ve been bad – pow! Just his smoking boots remain. Also you can vary the degree of lightning. So if someone has just been a bit bad you can give them a mild hit, which will must make their faced all sooty and get their hair standing on end. Plus it’s fun to look at, so whilst you’re punishing the bad, the good get to enjoy a free firework display.

Worst - Sleet God is in the details. But sometimes in the details we see places where God wasnÂ’t concentrating properly or rushed the job. the worst of snow and rain combined. No romance or fun like snow will give you, not refreshing or warming like summer rain. Freezing cold so takes away life-giving nature of water, doesnÂ’t settle and form a blanket like snow. Cuts at your face unexpectedly. Unfortunate half-way house that God should have prevented from ever happening, by ensuring that rain becomes snow at a definite temperature.

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