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Saturday 14th December 2013


I wrote my 95th Metro column this afternoon, this time about what it would be like if it was Christmas every day and my alternate proposal that we should have Christmas once every four years so that it becomes a special occasion again. It's definitely coming round too fast at the moment and given how it keeps stretching into November (thankfully Halloween pretty much makes sure that Yuletide can't start in October - for now at least) it almost feels like it is Christmas every fucking day already. I think we might be better off all round if we made the year four years long with forty-eight months. It would mean we didn't have to bother with the confusing leap year anymore. There would be 1461 days in a year and we could get rid of all the February unpleasantness and embarrassment by having 27 months with 30 days and 21 months with 31 days. And imagine what fun it would be coming up with names for the 36 new months. Herringy would have to be one as recognition of my work. And it'd make life easier. The Olympics might always be in Herringy for example, so you wouldn't have to work out when it was going to be by working out when the last one was and adding four years. Much more simple. Christmas would still be in December (I am not a monster), but we'd probably all have to work our birthdays out retrospectively so they confirmed with the new dating system or everyone born before 1RHYS (Richard Herring Year System, though people called Rhys could pretend it was named after them) would be celebrating their birthday in the same 12 month period. Some of them might complain, but within a 100 years or so everyone would have been born in the new system and there'd be no complaints.

And this way also means that years would last a lot longer and we wouldn't be in danger of using all the numbers up. We'd be able to use the new system for four times longer than the old one before we had to send scientists out to discover more numbers.

And of course we'd all be younger, like those Leap Day born freaks. I'd only be 11 now if this system was instituted and everyone who had ever had sex with me would be locked away for their disgusting flouting of common decency. But it would also mean that the government could save a lot of money on pensions.

But the point is that Christmas would feel special again and people would have time to save up some money for it if we only did it once every four years (or rather once every forty-eight months - a year is four years long now, keep up). And as long as we still had Halloween in October then shopping malls and coffee shops wouldn't be able to extend it further by playing carols and putting up decorations. In fact while we're doing this fix I'd be tempted just to get rid of November all together, or just flip it round with October so that we went straight from Halloween to advent. This would also break up Halloween and Guy Fawkes Night, which I think would be good for the country as it's currently just a week long celebration of hoolaganism as it is. I can't really see a downside to this.

And if you don't agree with me right now, wait til about 3pm on Christmas Day and I think this once in every forty-eight month Christmas would start to look very appealing.

Just a reminder - if you're buying tour tickets for a Christmas present or just want a personlised gift for someone who likes my comedy (or just for yourself) I am sending out signed show programmes in return for a donation to SCOPE -
For one programme (please specify which show - menage a un no longer available) donate £5.
For all 10 programmes + leaflets (where available - Hercules no longer available) + a copy of my "10" DVD donate £20.
Then email me at and let me know who you want them signed to and what address to send them to. Be quick if you want them before Christmas.

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